I am procrastinating.
I need to reply to an email from my ex-husband about money. Discussing money with my ex is my least favorite thing in the world. Discussions about money tend to deteriorate quickly into accusations and arguments. We have wildly different viewpoints about what is fair. He is a powerful negotiator, able to spin any situation to his advantage. I am a financial ignoramus. I always wind up feeling like I have been verbally beaten up. I hate discussing money with him more than I hate picking up dog poop. I hate it more than I hate cleaning up vomit. All I have to do is think about discussing money with him, and my shoulders contract into rock hard little knots; my head begins to ache, my stomach gets upset. I am clearly too sick to do this now. I will have to put it off until later...
Now that I am remarried I have not one "ex" to deal with, but two. My husband and his ex-wife have established a better way of dealing with money than my ex-husband and I have, but they have other stuff to deal with. From my perspective, she intrudes on our time with the children via cell phone. She tries to tell Stuart how thoroughly he must do the kids' homework for them so that the teacher will think they are perfect students, and when to wash their clothes. When a conflict arises between one of the kids and Stuart or me, she is always available to assure them that their dad and step-mom are wrong and she is the one who really loves them.
I hesitated to be fully honest here, for fear that my ex-husband and my husband's ex-wife might read this and think that I am trying to slander them in public. That is not my intent. To be fair, most of the time, to almost everyone, they are very nice. Sharing precious children with an ex brings out the worst in all of us. I am sure that either of them could talk for a long time about the excrement of dealing with Stuart and me.
People who are contemplating divorce and have a choice about whether to try to save their marriage or walk away, need to know this. Divorce, if there are children in the picture, does not end a bad relationship; it merely changes it a bit.
The struggle with dealing with an ex is universal among divorced parents. The temptation is to try to draw the child away from their other parent and toward yourself. You have been hurt. They do not deserve good treatment. There are two problems with this thinking. First it destroys the kids. Second, it is wrong. Revenge and reviling sure feel good at the moment though.
So, I am amazed and convicted when I read what the apostle Paul, who was dealing with loyalty issues of his own said, "...and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things." (1 Cor. 4:12)
What divorced parent couldn't relate to being reviled, persecuted, and slandered. What divorced parent could not say "I am still like the scum of the world, the garbage of all things!" This being so, Paul sets a very high standard. I must not succumb to the temptation, or encourage my precious husband, to revile, persecute, slander. For the sake of the kids we love, if not merely because it is the right thing, we have to learn to endure, entreat, and even bless the exes in our lives.
Being the kind of person who would go to any length to run away from conflict, I think it is interesting that Paul did not say that when he is slandered he just shuts up, seethes with anger and takes it. Nope, he "entreats". His example does not give me permission to hide under the covers and hope the money discussion will go away. Rats.
So here is my prayer for my husband and myself, and anyone else trying to figure out what a godly relationship with the ex looks like.
Lord, give me the strength
to labor with my own hands,
to bless when I am reviled
to endure when I am persecuted
to entreat when I am slandered. Amen
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