Tales of the Restoration Part III: How to Avoid Handyman Syndrome

I am part of the microwave generation. I am not very patient. When I am hungry, I want my meals hot, tasty and now. When I am hit with a problem, I want it banished immediately. I don't usually panic. Rather, I scheme. When a relational crisis erupts, I leap into handyman mode. I analyze the problem and how it can be fixed quickly. I grab whatever tools are within my grasp and begin banging around with my wrench and duct tape. There are many flaws in this approach. I am sloppy. I have no idea what I am doing. And, I serve as my own strategist, army, and clean up crew. I act like I am on my own. 

The master of the universe loves me. He is listens to me and yet, I act like I have to do it myself?  This is silly.  It is more than silly.  It is stupid. 

I need to react more like a body reacts. When I stub my toe, does it immediately run off by itself for a splint and some ibuprofen? No, of course not! How would a disembodied toe take pain medication? It sends a distress signal to the head in the form of pain. I guess pain is a form of prayer, a cry for help.  

I Corinthians 12 compares Christians to a body. Christ is the head and each of us is a small but vital part of the body. When crisis hits, the best thing to do is to slow down, remember that I am connected to the rest of the body, and send a pain signal to the head. The thing to do is pray.  

Nehemiah was hit with a crisis. Instead of leaping into action, he leaped into intense prayer. He prayed for four months. He didn't do anything to fix the crisis in all that time. He didn't even allow himself to look sad at work. 

The bigger the crisis, the more I need to resist the urge to scheme. Instead, I need to throw my energy into praying and waiting. Often I need to pray and refrain from all forms of the handyman syndrome. I might be called to do nothing at all, except pray for months. In the process, I remember that I am not alone. I am not created to be Atlas, trying to hold the world on my shoulders. Praying reminds me that it is God, and not me, who holds all things together. 

Shining a Little Light on the Monster Under the Bed

"If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must."  Anne Lamott

The phone rang yesterday morning just as I was settling in for my first cup of tea.  It was someone begging me to think carefully about what I am doing here. He strongly warned me that people I love might get hurt.  He stopped short of asking me not to continue writing this blog; probably because he knows that would push me to write even more.

I have a tube of makeup in my drawer labeled "concealer".  It promises to cover up dark spots and blemishes.  It promises to give the illusion that I have perfect skin.  It doesn't work.  Instead, it makes me look as if I have some kind of scary disease.

We try to use concealer on more than just our skin.  We spend precious energy trying to conceal the dark and ugly parts of our lives, of ourselves.  What would happen if we threw away the concealer? Is it so terrible to be real?

It is certainly not my purpose to hurt people by honestly telling my story.  I would never intentionally hurt my children, my step-children, or my husband. There has been a lot of forgiveness and healing since my divorce. I do not have any desire to hurt even my ex-husband.

Actually, my purpose for this blog is the opposite.  It is to grab my LED flashlight and point it at that dusty place under the bed where the monsters hide. Good will come of shining light into the darkness.

Anne Lamott says, "When people shine a little light on their monster, we find out how similar most of our monsters are.  The secrecy, the obfuscation, the fact that these monsters can only be hinted at, gives us the sense that they must be very bad indeed.  But when people let their monsters out for a little onstage interview, it turns out that we've all done or thought the same things, this is our lot, our condition.  We don't end up with a brand on our forehead.  Instead, we compare notes." 

The thing is, when we shine light into the dark places we find out that we are not alone anymore.  Not only are there other people who relate to us, God is there in the light.

God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.  If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin.  If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:5-9

Confession leads to forgiveness, but it also leads to cleansing.  Maybe it is no mistake that telling the truth is sometimes called "coming clean".

It is much better to live in the light than in the dark.

I would like for this blog to become a dialog (Would that make it a dia-blog?).  Please bring your thoughts out into the light by sharing them, even if you disagree. 


"And it's wonderful to watch someone finally open that forbidden door that has kept him or her away.  What gets exposed is not people's baseness but their humanity.  It turns out that the truth, or reality, is our home. " Anne Lamott

Walk with Me

Have you ever been blindsided by a crisis?  I have.  In the beginning, I always live in denial.  It takes me a little while to grasp the reality of the situation.  The longer this, "what just happened?" phase lasts, the worse it is going to hurt when reality hits.  

Have you ever noticed the pause between when a baby gets hurt and the cry that comes out of her mouth?  If the the cry comes immediately, the injury is probably not too serious.  If she holds her breath, and is silent for several seconds before she lets out an ear piercing shriek, it might mean a trip to the doctor.  It is the same with me.

One night my now ex-husband broke down my carefully constructed wall of naivety about the true state of our marriage, by confessing that he had had an affair. The numbness lasted for weeks.  When the shock finally wore off, I was totally paralyzed by pain and fear.  I felt like no one in the history of the world had ever suffered as badly as I was suffering.  I was sure that no one could endure this pain and live.

At that time, I longed to hear a similar story from someone who had been where I was and lived to tell about it. I didn't really want advice, I just wanted hope that there could still be a future for me.  I especially wanted to hear a story about infidelity that ended with "and they lived happily ever after." Infidelity is such a private devastation that few people are willing to tell their story.  Many, many people suffer through it alone.  If they successfully repair the relationship, in all likelihood, no one on the outside ever knows there was a problem.

If you have been hit with the stunning blow of infidelity or with another no-one-has-ever-hurt-this-badly kind of crisis, I invite you to walk with me for a while.  I want to tell you my story bit by bit.  I want to tell you of the pain and God's faithfulness. I want to share some of the things I learned; truths that strengthened me and brought me comfort. God did the unimaginable for me.  He allowed me to live through my worst nightmare, but he turned it around and used it to bless me.  In the middle of my years-long darkest night I would not have imagined that the story of my life could be anything but a tragedy.  But it isn't a tragedy at all.  It is a good story.  Really.  I promise.

Tales of the Restoration Part II: Eavesdropping in the Throneroom

When things are really bad, sometimes it helps to follow another person's lead. 

Nehemiah was blindsided by a crisis.  The situation seemed hopeless.  Nehemiah was far away and isolated*.   When the crisis hit, Nehemiah reacted with intense grief.  Then he turned to fasting and prayer.  Nehemiah's prayer is written out for us in Nehemiah 1: 5-11.  It is a great model to use in times of crisis.

If I had been in Nehemiah's place, I would probably have gone straight to telling God what to do.  I would tell him how to fix my problem, and demand that he take care of things immediately. Nehemiah didn't do that.  His prayer doesn't even mention the problem for quite a while. I picture the harried cupbearer taking a very deep breath, and slowing himself down.

The first thing Nehemiah says is, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments..."  Wait a minute.  God already knew all that. Why did Nehemiah have to use the long title?

It reminds me of the old stories where commoners must bow their foreheads to the ground and recite a very long list of the king's flowery titles before being allowed to ask the king for justice. But why? The king's title isn't repeated because the king can't remember his own job description.  The title is used because it is good and right that the commoner respectfully acknowledge who he is addressing before he dashes right in. Maybe that is exactly what is happening here. I don't think God needed to be reminded that he was a great and awesome God.  I think Nehemiah needed to remember that God was bigger than his present crisis, even though it was a big crisis.

After addressing God as a great and awesome God, Nehemiah identifies God as the one who keeps his promises, especially one promise. God promised to love his people steadfastly, loyally, stubbornly. I think Nehemiah needed to remember that God was not indifferent in the face of the crisis.  God could be trusted to act in love.

Finally, Nehemiah asked God to listen. God wasn't distracted. He wasn't waiting for someone to catch his attention. These words were also for Nehemiah's benefit. He needed to know that God was listening.

It is a good starting point isn't it?  When we are confronted with a crisis, we'd best run straight to the throne room.  After all, the king is our dad.  We can run crying to him, but it is a good thing to take a deep breath and remember 3 things.

Number 1:  God is big.  He is really, really big.  He is more than powerful enough to handle your present crisis.  No matter what it is, even if it is a devastating, suck-all-the-air-out-of-your-lungs, this-is-the-end kind of crisis, God is bigger than it is.  

Number 2: God's steadfast love has never left you.  No matter how bad it is, God will always love you, even if no one else does.

Number 3: The God who holds together heaven and earth is paying close attention to you.  He knows your words.  He even knows your heart and your heartache.  He is watching over you; you have His attention.  Spill it all out to him.  God is listening.  Really!

*For more background see the blog post from September 16, Tales of the Restoration Part 1.

The View from Under the Dirt

I sat down with the apostle Paul this morning to confide in him.  I was feeling a bit cranky. "Paul," I complain, "my life is tough.  Nothing I do lasts.  I am weary, worn down.  And, I admit it, sometimes I would like a little attention.  I long for a pat on the back, a plaque on my wall, something, anything I could point to on bad days and say to myself,  'See?  I am a good person!'" 

Paul changes the subject.  I wonder if he was listening.  "Do you ever garden, you know, grow things from seeds?"

"Sure, well, not very often."  I admit.

"It's like this,"  Paul switched to his patient parent voice to explain. "There is a mystery here that is escaping you.  There is much more to this than you see on the surface."

"You are like a seed, planted by a master gardener. This life is the soil you grow in.  Later, looking back on it, you will be able to see what grew under the dirt, out of your little seed. If you look at it today, nothing seems to matter, but when your little seed sprouts, the beautiful thing that grows will live forever.  You may not get any respect now, but someday people will marvel.  You are weak now, but then you will be powerful.  Your body is just a natural body, of course you have sickness and aging to deal with.  Someday though, you will have a wonderful spiritual body so different from this one that you can't imagine it.  The first man was made of the stuff of earth, dust.  You are like him.  Someday though you will be like the man of heaven instead.   So, don't get discouraged.  Just wait.  You'll see."

As he walks away he gives me a parting word of advice.  "Beloved, don't give up.  Stand straight and tall and strong and refuse to give in to discouragement. Live the life the Lord has given you to live.  I promise you, your hard work is not a waste of time."  I nod soberly.  "Yes, sir.  I will remember that God is doing something good under the surface.  I won't give up."

"Good girl."  Paul gently pats me on the head and disappears.

See this conversation as it was originally told, in 1 Corinthians 15:42-49, 58.

Tales of the Restoration Part 1: Broken Walls and Burned Gates

God speaks to me in many ways. Frequently he directs my way with stories.  For almost a year now God has been teaching me about my own life through the fascinating story of Nehemiah.  
The events in Nehemiah fall into a season of Jewish history that my study bible labels, "The People of God in Restoration". Isn't it a hopeful title for an epoch in history, or for a season in life?  For some time now, my family has been in a season that could bear the same title.

Restoration implies that there has been some sort of destruction.  It may be sudden and traumatic, like the unexpected death of a loved one or a grievous breach of trust. Sometimes destruction happens through gradual erosion, as in the destruction wreaked by alcoholism.  Years ago evil breached the walls of my life.  By breaking my first marriage, it destroyed my home, scattered and wounded its inhabitants, tore down its walls, and set fire to its gates.  The stories of brokenness I hear in other people's lives can be eerily similar.  The youngest and the weakest members of the family are often the most wounded.   

Imagine the book of Nehemiah being like a dramatic play.   The central character is a man named Nehemiah, a middle aged Jewish man who holds a prestigious position in Babylon. His job comes with a lot of fringe benefits.  Nehemiah protects the king from poisoning.  In return, he wears luxurious clothes, consumes the best food and wine, and lives in the palace.      

The curtain opens.  Nehemiah and his Jewish brother, who recently arrived from Judah, are sitting in an isolated corner of the palace, catching up.  Nehemiah expects a glowing report from Hanani.  70 years after the destruction of Babylon people were finally allowed to return to their homeland to begin rebuilding a society.

Nehemiah innocently asks his companion how things are back home.  The answer is like a punch in the gut.  The reconstruction that began with such promise is in danger of collapsing back into the rubble from which it came. 

"The survivors there...are in great trouble and shame; the wall ...is broken down and its gates have been destroyed by fire." Nehemiah 1:3

Nehemiah reels as if he has been punched.  He sits down heavily and begins to weep.  Time passes.  Scene 2 opens on Nehemiah days later, eyes red and swollen, clothes hanging loosely on his thin frame.  He has been mourning, weeping, refusing food, and praying all this time.

I wonder if did Nehemiah regretted asking that polite, "how are things back home?" question.  If he did regret it, he didn't think it was worth mentioning.  He moved in the space of a comma straight to a higher throne room, fasting and praying before the king of heaven.

All restoration begins in that throne room.  He is the only one with the resources necessary for any restoration project.

Weak, but Indispensable!

I am inept at sports that involve a ball.  I have an eye condition that was originally identified by the P.E. teacher.  She knew there had to be some physical issue.  No one could have such terrible depth perception unless there was something wrong.  

My worst elementary school nightmare repeated itself every time we were forced to play basketball, volleyball, t-ball or any other game whose name ends in ball.  The two best kids were named team captains and they took turns choosing which of the other kids would be on their team.  I started to sweat right away.  The tall, strong, fast, athletic kids were chosen one by one.  Then the average, but not outstanding kids were chosen.  That left me and the one or two other uncoordinated, slow, or fat kids waiting to be picked.  Finally the other losers were reluctantly chosen and some unlucky team was stuck with me.  No one ever wanted me.  Why would they?  I was not an asset to the team.  In fact, try as I did to stay out of the way, I usually found a way to help my team lose.  It is still that way.  My family tries to be nice about it, but nobody, except my tenderhearted self-sacrificing husband, ever really wants me to play on their team, even when we are playing Wii with virtual balls.  I am pretty sure that I have never been indispensable to my team in any sport that involves a ball.

Fortunately for me, after elementary school, a person can pretty much avoid playing with balls if they try hard enough.

There are other kinds of weakness, though.  A few years into my first marriage, my world fell apart.  I was airlifted out of my chosen role as perfect wife and mother in the perfect Christian home and deposited into a barren desert world of broken family.  Once again I found myself to be the weakest.  All of my loudly spoken formulas for life and ideas about making life work were smashed. I felt like my failed marriage made me a detriment to my Christian brothers and sisters, kind of a loser on the team. I offered to resign from the board of the ministry where I served.

Fortunately for me, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a body and not like a sports team.

I have read 1 Corinthians 12 about how Christians of every race and rank make up one body many times.  Somehow I never really thought about the wonderful little verse sandwiched in the middle of the passage though.

On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable.  I Corinthians 12:22

The human body has prominent, visible parts, and hidden interior parts.  It has beautiful parts and not so beautiful parts, but it doesn't have any spare parts.  Likewise, the body of Christ doesn't have a single unnecessary part.  The Bible calls me "indispensable".  Each of us, no matter what our story, is needed in the body of Christ.  Weak or strong, as long as I am connected to Jesus, the head, I am indispensable.

No Interference

Don't allow anything to interfere with your love for Jesus.  You belong to Him.  Nothing can separate you from Him.  That one sentence is important to remember.  He will be your joy, your strength.  If you hold onto that sentence, temptations, and difficulties will come, but nothing will break you.  Remember, you have been created for great things.  -Mother Teresa

'What must we do, to be doing the works of God?' Jesus answered them, 'This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.' John 6:28 - 29

That's it.  No matter what is going on don't let anything interfere with your love for Jesus.  Trust Him no matter what.  What are you supposed to do?   Believe. 
 

Tiptoeing through Minefields Instead of Tulips

Living my life is often a lot like tiptoeing through a minefield.

There are dangers and hazards.  A word misspoken can set off an explosion that almost blows me in two.

I wish my life had followed the happily ever after story line I expected when I said "I do" at 19 years old.   I hate divorce.  It rips everyone involved in two.  It is embarrassing to be divorced, an obvious and glaring failure.  I feel like I am demoted to the rank of second class Christian the moment someone discovers that I am divorced.   I imagine I see it in people's eyes.  It is in that split second glance away that happens while they wonder what happened to my marriage, whose fault it was, and what lack of commitment or mental illness prevented me from being able to keep my husband in my bed.

My new husband is a tremendous gift from God to me.  I am so, so very thankful for him.  Being remarried does not erase divorce though.  It complicates everything instead.  Now I not only have my own scars, hypersensitive wounded areas, kids' pain, ex and his neurosis; I also have my husband's scars, his kids' pain, and his ex's neurosis to deal with.

I sometimes wonder.  Where did I get off track?  Where did I miss the road sign and turn left off the highway of God's wonderful plan for my life?
Answer:  I didn't.   Not that I haven't made mistakes, but that fact that the path of my life has minefields along it does not mean that I have been abandoned by God.

1 Corinthians 7:17 says, Let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, to which God has called him.

God's assignment for me includes hardship and pain.  It does not include making me stunningly-beautiful-covergirl of Perfect Woman with the Perfect Life magazine.  This is it.  The messy life I lead is my calling.

Mother Teresa once said, "If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers.  Never bother about people's opinions.  Be humble and you will never be disturbed.  The Lord has willed me here where I am.  He will offer a solution."

That pretty much says it.  The years of battles have wounded my pride, but that is a good thing.  I can't trust in my own powers, the challenges are too much for me.  I can't bother about people's opinions, they don't walk in my combat boots.  As I tiptoe through minefields instead of tulips, I must trust God to guide me.  He has willed me here where I am.  He will offer a solution.   What a relief!  Maybe that is a tulip I see over there beside the path after all.

When I am Weak

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.  -Frederick Douglas

My son called this morning.  He was struggling.  He and I probed and wrestled with the issue.  Ever so gently, God, I think, led me to understand.  Some of the roots of his struggle stem from mistakes his father and I made when he was growing up.  At times Ethan* was too harsh, correcting his son out of his own rage.  I was too weak to stand up and make it stop.  Other times, I did harm directly.  I dealt with Cal's* normal teenage boy struggles out of my own pain instead of out of God's grace.  This morning I asked for his forgiveness with tears streaming down my face.  I am deeply sorry for my part in his pain.

Cal feels like he has to be perfect.  Intellectually he knows better, but to him, it feels like struggling equals being a failure.  This of course, is a lie from the pit.

I, on the other hand, do not really struggle with perfectionism.  In fact, just a dash more perfectionism in my personality might be healthy.  There is only one arena, where I always wanted to be, strove to be, thought I was, nearly perfect.  Parenting.

Now I see with razor sharp clarity that my parenting is far from perfect.  I am even a source of insecurities that continue to plague my son.  Even in my one area of strength, I am deeply flawed and weak.  My pride is wounded.  In fact, I have to acknowledge that I have no cause for pride at all.  

This morning I reminded Cal that it is good to reach higher, to stretch beyond the things we could easily grasp, even if this means that we struggle.  The struggle is a positive part of the process.  I want him to treat himself with grace.  That mini sermon is from God to me, too.

I must also receive God's forgiveness, and forgive myself for my failure.  I am so, so glad that God is bigger than my struggle.  He is big enough to take my sin and my failures on himself.  He has forgiven me.  He has even gone beyond forgiveness.  He has taken what was evil, what the evil one wanted to use to wreak havoc, and used it for good.  Right now, today, he is using it to strengthen.

I find it comforting that the apostle Paul went before me in struggling with weakness.  Maybe in Paul's case the weakness was a physical one rather than a failure, but the principle is the same.  God's power is made perfect in weakness.  He can use even "a messenger of Satan" for His good purpose.

...a thorn was given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to keep me from becoming conceited.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9  

So, I will confess my sins, acknowledge my failures, accept forgiveness, and learn to be content with weakness.  I will even join Paul and boast of my weaknesses.  "For when I am weak, then I am strong."

The struggle is a positive part of the process.

*Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty.

Dealing with Garbage and Exes

I am procrastinating.

I need to reply to an email from my ex-husband about money.  Discussing money with my ex is my least favorite thing in the world.  Discussions about money tend to deteriorate quickly into accusations and arguments.  We have wildly different viewpoints about what is fair.  He is a powerful negotiator, able to spin any situation to his advantage. I am a financial ignoramus.  I always wind up feeling like I have been verbally beaten up.  I hate discussing money with him more than I hate picking up dog poop.  I hate it more than I hate cleaning up vomit.  All I have to do is think about discussing money with him, and my shoulders contract into rock hard little knots; my head begins to ache, my stomach gets upset.  I am clearly too sick to do this now.  I will have to put it off until later...

Now that I am remarried I have not one "ex" to deal with, but two.  My husband and his ex-wife have established a better way of dealing with money than my ex-husband and I have, but they have other stuff to deal with.  From my perspective, she intrudes on our time with the children via cell phone.   She tries to tell Stuart how thoroughly he must do the kids' homework for them so that the teacher will think they are perfect students, and when to wash their clothes.  When a conflict arises between one of the kids and Stuart or me, she is always available to assure them that their dad and step-mom are wrong and she is the one who really loves them.

I hesitated to be fully honest here, for fear that my ex-husband and my husband's ex-wife might read this and think that I am trying to slander them in public.  That is not my intent.  To be fair, most of the time, to almost everyone, they are very nice.  Sharing precious children with an ex brings out the worst in all of us.  I am sure that either of them could talk for a long time about the excrement of dealing with Stuart and me.

People who are contemplating divorce and have a choice about whether to try to save their marriage or walk away, need to know this.  Divorce, if there are children in the picture, does not end a bad relationship; it merely changes it a bit.

The struggle with dealing with an ex is universal among divorced parents.  The temptation is to try to draw the child away from their other parent and toward yourself.  You have been hurt.  They do not deserve good treatment.  There are two problems with this thinking.  First it destroys the kids.  Second, it is wrong.  Revenge and reviling sure feel good at the moment though.

So, I am amazed and convicted when I read what the apostle Paul, who was dealing with loyalty issues of his own said, "...and we labor, working with our own hands.  When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat.  We have become, and are still like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things." (1 Cor. 4:12)

What divorced parent couldn't relate to being reviled, persecuted, and slandered.  What divorced parent could not say "I am still like the scum of the world, the garbage of all things!"  This being so, Paul sets a very high standard.  I must not succumb to the temptation, or encourage my precious husband, to revile, persecute, slander.  For the sake of the kids we love, if not merely because it is the right thing, we have to learn to endure, entreat, and even bless the exes in our lives. 

Being the kind of person who would go to any length to run away from conflict, I think it is interesting that Paul did not say that when he is slandered he just shuts up, seethes with anger and takes it.  Nope, he "entreats".  His example does not give me permission to hide under the covers and hope the money discussion will go away.  Rats. 

So here is my prayer for my husband and myself, and anyone else trying to figure out what a godly relationship with the ex looks like.

Lord, give me the strength
                  to labor with my own hands,
                  to bless when I am reviled
                  to endure when I am persecuted
                  to entreat when I am slandered.  Amen