I have noticed something about praying for restoration. The breakthrough happens in the strangest ways, at the most unexpected times. God is a master storyteller. His stories are always full of surprise twists. He almost never writes the story the way I would.
I have been studying the restoration that is recounted in the biblical story of Nehemiah and finding startling parallels to the restoration project going on in me and in my family.
Nehemiah had been praying for God's intervention for months. In private, he prayed and wept. In public he hid his anguish, put on a happy face, and did his job. It was a government job; serving the most powerful man in the world, the king of Persia.
I have had seasons in my life when I have trudged through my days with a happy face masking my broken heart. It happened when my parents divorced. It happened again when my first husband told me that he didn't want to be married anymore, and again when I found out why he didn't want to be married anymore. There were times like that as I slogged through years defined by being a divorced single mom. More recently there have been days like that as I have bruised my shins running up against the realities of building a blended family from the pieces of two broken homes.
The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning on such days is duty. I get up. I do my job. I try to hide the fact that my heart is in excruciating pain. I go home. I hide in the bathroom while I cry and pray. Eventually the day ends. Finally, gratefully, I sleep for a few hours. I get up, get slammed by the sorrow, and do it all again. Sometimes I do this for months.
Nehemiah was a good faker, but not quite as good as he thought he needed to be. He had hidden his distress for four months. Unfortunately, one day, his boss, a very powerful man, in fact the most powerful man in the world at that time, noticed that he did not look good. The king perceived that the problem was emotional and not physical. Nehemiah's immediate reaction was fear. He hadn't meant for things to go this way. He hadn't meant for his distress to interfere with his work. Kings, and this one was no exception, weren't generally known for their patience and understanding with depressed servants. Nehemiah swallowed hard, and shaking in his boots, he told the truth. This was a very dicey thing since the king ruled the empire, that conquered the empire, that was responsible for the destruction of Jerusalem in the first place.
The best things sometimes happen that way. They enter your life disguised as disasters. The very thing you have been trying with all of your might to avoid, happens, and you just have to go with it.
A few months ago I was struggling with the role of stepmother. I have spent my entire adult life working with kids. I love kids, and almost without exception kids love me. I say, almost without exception.
The notable exception happened after I disrupted already messy little lives by marrying these particular kids' father. A few months ago my stepkids had been sending me not-so-subtle messages that they didn't really want me in their lives, and I was hurting. One morning, the hurt spilled out. It overflowed in a rush. I couldn't stop it in time. My anger and hurt erupted with force all over the place. No expert giving advice about building bonds between stepmom and stepkids ever recommends this approach. I thought I had ruined any chance I was ever going to have of being accepted by these guys.
Nehemiah spilled his guts to the king. Surprisingly the king did not do as Nehemiah expected and summon the executioner. Instead the king asked how he could help, and the opportunity Nehemiah had been praying for appeared out of the blue.
My explosion prompted a discussion with the kids. We talked for hours. It was the turning point I had been praying for.
Sometimes when opportunity knocks, he does it in disguise.
Showing posts with label step family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label step family. Show all posts
Friday, November 19, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
An Open Prayer on a Day of Discouragement
"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong...I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls. If I love you more am I to be loved less?" (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10, 15 ESV)
My husband and his wuzwife, (I like the sound of that better than ex-wife) each have responsibility for their kids half the time. Every few days the kids endure cataclysmic change. In the moment it takes to exit a vehicle and walk in the door of a house, the accepted standards of behavior, the priorities, the way people treat each other, the values, and the food all change drastically.
The kids' stress on transition days often manifests itself in rudeness, anger and defensiveness. Intellectually, I think I understand what is going on. Emotionally, I have not yet learned how to steel myself against the hurricane of turmoil and conflict that slams into my peaceful home each week. I get discouraged, deeply discouraged sometimes.
Below is the prayer I prayed on one difficult day when my discouragement collided with Paul's attitude and courage in 2 Corinthians 12.
I share it, hoping that walking with me will encourage someone else who gets the wind knocked out of them on occasion.
If there is someone reading this who also faces discouragement, opposition from within and without, this is my prayer for you too.
A disclaimer: When I talk to God, I pour out my feelings untempered and uncensored. I am pretty melodramatic. It is OK. God already knows the intensity of my emotions. He can take it. He also knows that he is not going to let me fall, and that just pouring everything out to Him makes me feel better.
My Prayer:
O God,
I feel like an outsider in my own family. My walls of my house are no barrier to the enemy that seeks to undo us. The boundaries are so porous that a cell phone call can penetrate them with flaming darts and wreak havoc. 'Hardship, persecution, and calamity' (2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV) march right through my safest place unfettered. How can I be content?
"I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
The power of Christ...the power of the resurrection. The power that holds all things together. Yet, even you submitted to suffering and persecution for a time.
Lord, I want to be like you. Though you suffered you never panicked. You wept, but you were not anxious. I know that if I had the perfect life, I would not cling so closely to you. These problems and my own inability to change things, create an opportunity.
I have the opportunity to "boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Oh Jesus, for your sake, help me to be content with weaknesses (mine and my family member's), insults (from angry stepkids), hardships (undermining, and meddling from the outside), persecutions (unfair treatment), and calamities. I choose to believe that when I am weak, then I am strong.
This battle is not against any flesh and blood person. This battle is against the evil powers in this dark world (Ephesians 6:12). Evil is my enemy.
Oh, Lord, let the power of Christ rest upon me. Help me to continue to hope, to trust, to persevere. I pray that you will give me eyes to see your mighty hand moving. Help me see your fingerprints on this infuriating situation and this day.
Amen
My husband and his wuzwife, (I like the sound of that better than ex-wife) each have responsibility for their kids half the time. Every few days the kids endure cataclysmic change. In the moment it takes to exit a vehicle and walk in the door of a house, the accepted standards of behavior, the priorities, the way people treat each other, the values, and the food all change drastically.
The kids' stress on transition days often manifests itself in rudeness, anger and defensiveness. Intellectually, I think I understand what is going on. Emotionally, I have not yet learned how to steel myself against the hurricane of turmoil and conflict that slams into my peaceful home each week. I get discouraged, deeply discouraged sometimes.
Below is the prayer I prayed on one difficult day when my discouragement collided with Paul's attitude and courage in 2 Corinthians 12.
I share it, hoping that walking with me will encourage someone else who gets the wind knocked out of them on occasion.
If there is someone reading this who also faces discouragement, opposition from within and without, this is my prayer for you too.
A disclaimer: When I talk to God, I pour out my feelings untempered and uncensored. I am pretty melodramatic. It is OK. God already knows the intensity of my emotions. He can take it. He also knows that he is not going to let me fall, and that just pouring everything out to Him makes me feel better.
My Prayer:
O God,
I feel like an outsider in my own family. My walls of my house are no barrier to the enemy that seeks to undo us. The boundaries are so porous that a cell phone call can penetrate them with flaming darts and wreak havoc. 'Hardship, persecution, and calamity' (2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV) march right through my safest place unfettered. How can I be content?
"I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
The power of Christ...the power of the resurrection. The power that holds all things together. Yet, even you submitted to suffering and persecution for a time.
Lord, I want to be like you. Though you suffered you never panicked. You wept, but you were not anxious. I know that if I had the perfect life, I would not cling so closely to you. These problems and my own inability to change things, create an opportunity.
I have the opportunity to "boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Oh Jesus, for your sake, help me to be content with weaknesses (mine and my family member's), insults (from angry stepkids), hardships (undermining, and meddling from the outside), persecutions (unfair treatment), and calamities. I choose to believe that when I am weak, then I am strong.
This battle is not against any flesh and blood person. This battle is against the evil powers in this dark world (Ephesians 6:12). Evil is my enemy.
Oh, Lord, let the power of Christ rest upon me. Help me to continue to hope, to trust, to persevere. I pray that you will give me eyes to see your mighty hand moving. Help me see your fingerprints on this infuriating situation and this day.
Amen
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tales of the Restoration: Burned Gates (continued)
Nehemiah 1:3 The remnant there...is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire.
The Rubble
Years after their parents' divorce, my stepkids still have broken down walls and burned gates. Pain and confusion keeps their gates barred with rubble. Loyalty to their mother keeps them closed to me as their stepmom. Often they are also closed to even their dad.
I could definitely be wrong, but my guess is it has to do with their perception that loyalty to their mom means they must love her exclusively. If they open up to me, she will not be OK. In their minds, they have to take care of her. She seems vulnerable. This defense of her means that the rebuilding of healthy gates has not happened quickly in the relationship with me.
The View from the Other Side of the Gate
I am also in the other position, that of being the mother of kids who have a stepmom. When my wuzband (isn't that a great word for the-man-who-was-once-my-husband? I found it in Readers Digest.) first remarried, it was very hard for me to think of my precious children developing a relationship with their new stepmom. I felt threatened and fearful that she might replace me in their hearts. When I get angry at my stepkids' mom, I try to force myself to remember how difficult it once was for me to be in her position, to share my kids. Over the years, I learned that even a good stepmom-stepkid relationship is not the same as a mother-child relationship. There is room in my kids' hearts for both of us.
Knocking on the Gates
A few days ago, I visited the school where I taught for many years. A number of kids ran up and gave me suffocating bear hugs. Their gates were open to me.
I long for that same spontaneous affection and openness to me, from my stepkids. Even though we have been a family for over 2 years, it has not happened. While I wait and maintain hope for the gates to open a smidgen, my challenge is to keep my own gates well oiled and in working order. It isn't always easy.
The Rubble
Years after their parents' divorce, my stepkids still have broken down walls and burned gates. Pain and confusion keeps their gates barred with rubble. Loyalty to their mother keeps them closed to me as their stepmom. Often they are also closed to even their dad.
I could definitely be wrong, but my guess is it has to do with their perception that loyalty to their mom means they must love her exclusively. If they open up to me, she will not be OK. In their minds, they have to take care of her. She seems vulnerable. This defense of her means that the rebuilding of healthy gates has not happened quickly in the relationship with me.
The View from the Other Side of the Gate
I am also in the other position, that of being the mother of kids who have a stepmom. When my wuzband (isn't that a great word for the-man-who-was-once-my-husband? I found it in Readers Digest.) first remarried, it was very hard for me to think of my precious children developing a relationship with their new stepmom. I felt threatened and fearful that she might replace me in their hearts. When I get angry at my stepkids' mom, I try to force myself to remember how difficult it once was for me to be in her position, to share my kids. Over the years, I learned that even a good stepmom-stepkid relationship is not the same as a mother-child relationship. There is room in my kids' hearts for both of us.
Knocking on the Gates
A few days ago, I visited the school where I taught for many years. A number of kids ran up and gave me suffocating bear hugs. Their gates were open to me.
I long for that same spontaneous affection and openness to me, from my stepkids. Even though we have been a family for over 2 years, it has not happened. While I wait and maintain hope for the gates to open a smidgen, my challenge is to keep my own gates well oiled and in working order. It isn't always easy.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Tales of the Restoration Part VII: Burned Gates
Nehemiah 1:3 The remnant there...is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire.
Walls and Gates
City walls bar entry to enemies who seek to destroy. Gates control access so that people who seek to enter for good may come in. A restored, healthy person must have both strong walls and working gates.
The Siege
The siege and destruction of a family not only destroys walls, it also burns the gates. Until their walls and gates are restored, people who have been hurt have burned gates are blocked with mounds of rubble. After a divorce, parents and children alike often have heart-gate issues.
Burned Gates
You can recognize a person with burned gates. They are angry. Depending on personality, the anger may simmer underneath the exterior. It may be painted to make it look like something besides anger, or it may be explosive and obvious. No matter what it looks like, the anger is shouting "This gate is closed! Keep out!"
Restoration means not only rebuilding healthy boundaries, "walls", but also rebuilding the gates so that good can enter your life again.
More on burned gates later...
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| Photo from http://www.biblewalks.com/Photos4/ZionGate4.JPG |
Walls and Gates
City walls bar entry to enemies who seek to destroy. Gates control access so that people who seek to enter for good may come in. A restored, healthy person must have both strong walls and working gates.
The Siege
The siege and destruction of a family not only destroys walls, it also burns the gates. Until their walls and gates are restored, people who have been hurt have burned gates are blocked with mounds of rubble. After a divorce, parents and children alike often have heart-gate issues.
Burned Gates
You can recognize a person with burned gates. They are angry. Depending on personality, the anger may simmer underneath the exterior. It may be painted to make it look like something besides anger, or it may be explosive and obvious. No matter what it looks like, the anger is shouting "This gate is closed! Keep out!"
Restoration means not only rebuilding healthy boundaries, "walls", but also rebuilding the gates so that good can enter your life again.
More on burned gates later...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tales of the Restoration Part VI: Broken Walls
Nehemiah 1:3 The remnant there...is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire.
Walls
Walls were built around ancient cities to keep out enemies who sought to destroy.
As I struggled years ago through the siege and fall of my marriage, I did not have strong boundaries. I wanted so badly to please, and preserve the peace in my home, that I accepted breaches in my boundaries with only weak resistance.
My wall was broken down.
Still today I fall back into the same pattern sometimes. I try very hard to please, and in the process I fail to enforce healthy boundaries. Someone, even someone I love, pushes through the weak area. I feel violated. I become very angry. I have a difficult time forgiving.
My wall is still broken down in places.
Prayer
Lord, help me to understand the role of the wall in the restoration you are working.
For more on healthy boundaries in relationships I highly recommend reading Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.
Gates that let in the good, are just as important as walls that keep out the bad. More about the role of gates in the next post.
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Walls
Walls were built around ancient cities to keep out enemies who sought to destroy.
As I struggled years ago through the siege and fall of my marriage, I did not have strong boundaries. I wanted so badly to please, and preserve the peace in my home, that I accepted breaches in my boundaries with only weak resistance.
My wall was broken down.
Still today I fall back into the same pattern sometimes. I try very hard to please, and in the process I fail to enforce healthy boundaries. Someone, even someone I love, pushes through the weak area. I feel violated. I become very angry. I have a difficult time forgiving.
My wall is still broken down in places.
Prayer
Lord, help me to understand the role of the wall in the restoration you are working.
For more on healthy boundaries in relationships I highly recommend reading Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.
Gates that let in the good, are just as important as walls that keep out the bad. More about the role of gates in the next post.
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